Shelley asks…

This is most of chapter five in my book. Tell me if you guys like it, please?

My next period class was art one. It’s an elective with a mix of sophomores and juniors. Arabella, Emma, and I took it so we would all have a fun and relaxing period together. Little did I know, Lily also took this class. So far, she hadn’t talked to me and we were on opposite sides of the room. I talked to Arabella and Emma, and she talked to a junior named Michelle Wheeler who was a cheerleader and also on the soccer team with us. It worked fine that way all year, but I had a feeling she was going to talk to me today.
I walked in to see that Emma and Arabella had beaten me there and already started on their projects. We were making either a candlestick or a vase out of clay. I chose to make a candlestick, but it was starting to resemble mice in a willow tree. Oh well, I really didn’t care too much, I just wanted to get it done.
“Hey guys.” I said casually to the two of them. I could see Lily talking to Michelle out of the corner of my eye.
“Ok so, I plan on being Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween, but I need to find my big bad wolf.” Arabella and I just looked at Emma like she has some kind of horrible skin disease.
Halloween isn’t for like nine months! Why the hell are you thinking about that now?” Arabella said.
“Because! It takes time for me to find the one I want chasing me! plus, I need at least three months to get my costume ready.” I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically after Emma said that. Sometimes she is the funniest person I know. We all worked on our projects silently for a few minutes. Our art teacher is young, so she plays the radio when we work on our stuff. “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem featuring Rihanna came on the radio and I was pretty into it.
“So, our English teacher wants us to write a paper on Anne Frank. Didn’t we already do all the holocaust stuff in eighth grade?” Arabella said, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, we did. Did Cooper ever tell you guys about the girl he knew who’s name was Anna Frank?” I said pausing and looking up at them.
“No!” Emma exclaimed.
“Yeah, I guess when he still lived in Canada he went to school with a girl who’s name was Anna Frank. And get this, she wasn’t Jewish! Who does that to their kid?”
“Oh my gosh! I would kill my parents if they named me Anna Frank! She probably gets tortured for it!” Arabella said while laughing. Before I could say anything else Lily walked over and asked if she could talk to me in the back of the room for a minute. I knew it, I knew she was going to talk to me today. We walked to the back of the art room where we could be alone.
“So, Cindy told me that you were actually being nice to her today. I just wanted to say thanks.” Lily said staring up at me with her big blue eyes.
“Yeah, I heard about her grandpa dying and I guess I feel kinda bad.”
“Yeah, she’s really broken up about it. They’re really close. I heard you joined the soccer team.”
“Yeah, Dick’s been asking me for a while and I figured I don’t have anything better to do. I’ll have to be careful though, I don’t want to get hurt and get my scholarship taken away.” It was nice to be able to talk to someone who understood who Dick was and what sport I got a scholarship for. I miss the easy flow of our conversations, but that was in the past, right? I’ve moved on.
“I heard about that too. I’m not surprised, you’re an incredible hockey player. I remember the game I went to when you scored six goals. That was amazing.” A faint smile appeared on her perfect lips, but was gone almost as soon as it appeared.
“Yeah, I remember that one too. I was in rare form that night. So, how have you been?” I shouldn’t have kept talking. I should have told her that I had to get back to my project, but no, of course I had to keep talking to her. With her and I, she was the refrigerator and I was the magnet. No matter how hard I try and resist, the attraction is far too powerful.
“I’ve been pretty good. Same old pretty much, nothing’s really changed. I got into Pitt.”
“That’s great. We’ll only be five hours away from each other.” She laughed at my joke. She had the most beautiful smile. Every one of her perfectly straight teeth showed. That smile use to be what I thought about when my life got a little bit dark, but now it hurts more than any broken bone I’ve ever had.
“I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I still love you. That hasn’t changed.” I didn’t want to hear it, but I wasn’t going to let her see how badly I still hurt.
“No, it’s fine. I still love you too. I think a part of me always will just simply because you’re the first person I ever fell in love with.” Li

admin answers:

Hokaayy…
This is gonna sound really rough, but:

You need to elaborate more. Also, use a larger vocabulary and try and make your sentences less choppy. Try and make it sound natural as well, it sounds like you’re halfway writing an essay for school.

Here’s an example of a bit of editing:

your orginial:
My next period class was art one. It’s an elective with a mix of sophomores and juniors. Arabella, Emma, and I took it so we would all have a fun and relaxing period together. Little did I know, Lily also took this class. So far, she hadn’t talked to me and we were on opposite sides of the room. I talked to Arabella and Emma, and she talked to a junior named Michelle Wheeler who was a cheerleader and also on the soccer team with us. It worked fine that way all year, but I had a feeling she was going to talk to me today.

Edited version:
I had Art One next period. Me, Emma, and Arabella took it so we could all have fun relaxing together. Little did I know that Lily also took this class. We sat on opposite sides of the room. So far this year we hadn’t talked, which was fine by me. I would talk to Arabella and Emma, and she talked to Michelle Wheeler, a cheerleader in her junior year who was also on the soccer team. This arrangement of not conversing had been working fine all year, but somehow I knew she would try to talk to me today.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be overly critical, it’s just that I love to read so when I read I mentally critique. I’m like the grammar nazi :D

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